When Life Doesn't Look Beautiful
Feelings of betrayal and loneliness don’t look pretty to me right now. Could they eventually?
I turned 30 recently. Nine days after my birthday, my boyfriend dumped me. I think he thought it would be rude to do it on the day, and he wanted to give a buffer. I can’t decide if I appreciate that or not, I’m still mad at him honestly. I thought we would get married. I thought a lot of things that turned out to be wrong. This isn’t the first time this has happened to me either, and I’m pretty tired of feeling foolish for love. It seems most people have experienced this level of rejection at least once by the time they turn 30, so I’m in good company, but that doesn’t really make me feel better.
It’s times like this that make life look less beautiful to me. I feel like something is wrong. I feel angry. I feel ill-equipped and overwhelmed because I don’t know how to turn this disaster into a beautiful masterpiece. I think you probably know what I’m talking about, I think you know this feeling even if I’m not describing it justly. You know pain and disappointment and anger and betrayal. Who doesn’t?
But perhaps our life couldn’t be beautiful without this darkness. I know it sounds cheesy and I’m practically gagging on the words right now because it’s not what I want to hear, but I’m trying not to quiet my soul. I want to hear what she has to say. She’s speaking quietly because I’ve spoken over her a few too many times in life, but now I want to give her a voice. Today I thought she said, maybe pain makes life more beautiful after it heals. Maybe this isn’t a mistake, maybe it’s the way it was supposed to go. Maybe we’re on our way to a picture that looks pretty in a way we wouldn’t have imagined. Maybe I don’t need to put away my anger just yet, she can have a voice too. Maybe all these feelings mean I’m human, and even though it feels ugly, it might actually be beautiful.
To be honest, this didn’t make me feel better for very long, but it did give me a little hope. And it feels good to give myself permission and live in my moment, and right now my moment is angry, lonely, and sometimes kind of sad. But one day I’ll have a different moment. And who knows how long it will take, but maybe one day I can look back on this moment and see how it made my picture better. Here’s hoping.
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